| |
| |
|
Relationships Information |
|
|
|
Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help
Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity. That may seem like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family therapist, I don't believe that number is off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who were never discovered. The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high. Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person's habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something "out of character" but be unable to pinpoint what it is. It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The "victim" of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis. It might be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship with the person. It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes. Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I've identified 7 different kinds of infidelity. Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma. Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming "trophy chasers." This "boys will be boys" mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of "being in love" and having that "loving feeling." An extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different. Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being "OK" may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse. The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding. The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 - 4 years to "work through" the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don't recommend "marriage" counseling, at least initially. The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered - of one's ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one's self. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with. How can you help? Those in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you: 1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn't be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest. 2. Every so often I want to hear something like, "This too shall pass." Remind me that this is not forever. 3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion. 4. I want to hear sometimes, "What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?" I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture. 5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this. 6. I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated. 7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I might find helpful. 8. I want to hear every so often, "How's it going?" And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going. 9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want. 10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that. Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity - to redesign one's life and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy. Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
MORE RESOURCES:
Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Relationship Conflict - Blow Up or Blow Through Every now and then I hear a "relationship expert" say that they have never had a argument with their spouse. This is when I find myself thinking this person is either lying or certainly can't relate to me. Are the Neighbors Next Door Secretly Swinging? The swinging lifestyle does not discriminate against race, body type, sexuality, social standing or financial stability. There are people successfully living the lifestyle from all walks of life. Live Like You Were Dying: Help for Overcoming an Affair In the recovery phase of my husbands last affair I was having a really difficult time letting go of the pain and offering forgiveness to my husband.I was doing a lot of work on "me", attempting to better myself so that I could get my self-worth back but none of that mattered when the triggers surfaced. Jinxed Relationships -- Are Yours? Do you consider yourself unlucky in love? Have your relationships all been ending on a sad note lately? Perhaps you've come to the conclusion that you are jinxed! Before you give up on love, or decide that it never existed in the first place, please join me; let's take a look at loving from a different perspective.Experts at the game of life and loving tell us that there are four important laws that we must know, and use to our advantage. Passion Drought: Turning the Fizzle Back Into Sizzle In Your Relationship; Part 1 IntroductionMany gay men in both short and long-term relationships report concern when the romance and passion in their partnerships decline or "dry up", leading them to question themselves and fear for the future of their relationships. An unfortunate consequence of this is that many men break up with their partners prematurely at this point, have affairs, or turn to some form of addiction to cope under the mistaken notion that something is defective or wrong in their relationships. Lab Created Diamonds Are Now Exceedingly Good When we think of precious gems, we usually spare little thought to the hard work that it takes to bring them to us in the beautiful jewelry that we love to wear, but diamond mining is, in fact, an expensive and dangerous procedure, reflected to the consumer in the price that must be paid to own one. Wouldn't it be wonderful if there were some way to recreate that same brilliance and beauty in a less dangerous, and hence less expensive way? Today's technological innovations mean that this does not have to be a pipe dream any longer - with lab created diamonds, we can wear beautiful gemstones produced by the intelligence of mankind, rather than the trials and tribulations of nature, and without the expense that mining brings. He's So Loving (But He Has These Black Moods) It's strange how often abused women tell you how loving their partner is. Stranger still is that it usually happens after they have talked about extraordinary threats, behaviour or violence to which he has subjected them. 5 Ways to Tell Your Man You Love Him Telling your man that you love him is part of assuring him that he is special to you. But it is not enough to verbalize how you feel about your man. Yellow and Orange Flags in Relationships It's been said that love is blind. It may also be deaf and dumb, but in this article I'll deal with the onset of blindness that occurs at the beginning of a relationship. Can We Still Be Friends? Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life by Kevin B. BurkEven when we know it's time to end a romantic relationship, we're often reluctant to let go of our partners completely. Essense of Infidelity On one very popular web site there were 260 posts from both sexes commenting about forgiving and forgetting infidelities. I read every one of them. Why Do Men Cheat? In my relationship work, this question is probably the one I hear most often. It is not an easy question to answer. Whos Watching You? Men Arent The Only Stalkers For decades, the label "stalker' has been tattooed as a gender-specific crime, committed by men. Things have changed drastically. Put Some Z.I.P. Into Your Relationships Relationships are really what makes the world go 'round, aren't they? Imean, good, positive, healthy and meaningful relationships provide us withthe richest experiences we have here on this old earth of ours. Your lovingspouse who shares everything with you; that best friend who connects withyou like few others do; the people at work who appreciate you and help youto become the best that you can be; This is what brings joy to life!But. The Secret of Relationship Success With a divorce rate in this country that approaches50%, and a fairly sizable percentage of marriages thataren't particularly blissful, it's difficult to avoidsearching for the answer to the battle of the sexes.Would you like to stop searching?We've moved through the old paradigm of gettingyour needs met in relationships, and it has provenitself to be a miserable failure. No More Lonely Weekends! How do you react when you are faced with spending another weekend alone because nobody has invited you to do anything with them?Do you mope around the apartment, hoping that the phone will ring, and wishing that somebody, somewhere, will call to invite you to do something?Just because no one has invited you to do anything with them, doesn't mean you have to spend your time alone feeling lonely, depressed or bored. You can actually make sure that you fill your spare time with activities that you really enjoy. Office Nomance Are Office Romance's really that bad? The answer is ?.. Are You Ready to Handle an Indigo Child? So what's new in the world of spirituality and the new age these days? What's the new talk we keep hearing all about? The talk about the indigo Children is gearing more and more. There are now so many workshops, lectures, books and websites dedicated to discussing this subject. Wow, Grandma Is Dating! Wow, Grandma Is Dating!When Lena, 52, began dating, her son, Paul, joined the same dating site. Together, mother and son set out to find love. Are You Living An Illusion Romance Like Lisa Snowdon and George Clooney? My Dear Lover,Today I am sad, I don't have good news for you.The actor actor George Clooney, living based in Los Angeles, and the model and television presenter Lisa Snowdon, living in England, start their long distance relationship in 2000 and dated on and off for a year because their long distance relationship was not working.
|
| home | site map |
| © 2010 |
