| |
| |
|
Relationships Information |
|
|
|
The Lies That Saved a Judges Life
What is empathy? Many people confuse empathy with sympathy, but empathy is really much more. My dictionary defines it as "the quality or process of entering fully, through imagination, into another's feelings or motives." In the fullest sense, it implies putting yourself into the other person's shoes, or even getting into his or her skin, so that you really understand and feel his pain, fear - or more positively - his joys. The opposite of empathy - in communication terms - is invalidation. This is what happens when you express a feeling or idea and the person you are speaking to contradicts or rejects it. And when the emotion happens to be anxiety, sorrow, fear or the like, the rejection can be very painful. Interestingly, the pain of rejection can be even more profound when the other party bears no ill will towards you. Indeed, the person you have confided in may sincerely believe she is offering you encouragement. But she fails miserably, because there is no empathy. We have seen in previous articles how devastated children feel when they are on the receiving end of such treatment. But, of course, it's not only children who feel this kind of trauma. One writer on the subject, Miriam Adahan, in her book It's All a Gift, relates how a friend's eight-month old baby was undergoing treatment for cancer. Mrs. Adahan sat with her for hours, hearing one visitor after another say, "Don't worry. He's going to be just fine." When they were finally alone, her friend looked at her through tearful eyes and said: Almost like suffocation..."Don't they know how much their optimism hurts me? Don't they realize that they aren't letting me talk about what's most on my mind - that he may not get better? It's like someone putting a hand over my mouth and suffocating me. I have to lie and smile and say over and over, 'Of course, everything's going to be fine,' which only makes me feel worse. Why can't these people stop with their optimistic drivel and just listen a little?" Among other examples of this kind of phenomenon that this author tells over, is the story of a young mother who confided to an older woman how she felt trapped in her house all day long. "I'm so depressed!" she confessed. "I resent my children and snap at them when they make demands. I think about death all the time." Nonsense," retorted the older woman, "these are the best years of your life!" What's wrong with you? Don't you appreciate how wonderful it is to have healthy children? You're ungrateful, selfish and spoiled." The young woman fled the home in tears. Although there are some folk who take pleasure in being deliberately abusive, most people don't mean to be cruel when they give pat answers. What they lack is communication skills. They don't realize that by minimizing people's pain, they maximize it. When you respond to your friend's outburst of anxiety or sorrow with: "You'll feel better tomorrow," or: "Don't worry, time heals!" you may be giving him the message: "There's something very wrong with you for complaining when there's nothing to complain about." The well-meaning advice: "Just take a hot bath and you'll perk up!" could be interpreted to mean: "You should have been able to figure out the solution for yourself," or: "Other people seem to manage in these situations." Now, I'll tell you a fascinating true story - that, on first glance, seems to contradict just about everything I've implied up to now. A certain rabbi, a prominent judge of a Jewish religious court, once suffered a sudden heart attack in the middle of a litigation. When he arrived at the emergency ward, a doctor, who knew and respected the new patient, examined him. The anxious judge asked the doctor about his condition. "Nothing to worry about at all" answered the doctor. "You are just overworked. You have to rest up." At the end of the somewhat protracted examination, the staff brought in a stretcher along with some very ominous looking medical apparatus. The judge was hooked up to equipment to which all sorts of tubes were attached. The attendants pushed him briskly down a long corridor and straight through a doorway above which hung a bold sign: "Strictly No Entry - Intensive Care Ward." Nobody's fool...This rabbinical judge, of course, was nobody's fool. His vocation involved critically analyzing situations every day and ferreting out the truth. When the doctor came over to him again, his learned patient asked him pointblank: "Why did you deceive me?" "You really aren't very sick," answered the doctor, surprisingly. "But I am confronted with hundreds of ethical questions every day, and I have no one to ask. I thought it would be nice to have you near me for a while, so you can answer my questions! "And why are all these fancy machines attached to me?" asked the rabbi very skeptically. "Do you need to have a nurse run over to you every minute? This way, she can see everything from her desk. And anyway, what difference does it make to you?" The judge was in hospital for three weeks, but he responded well to treatment. After his discharge, he recounted his experiences to his friends and colleagues: "The doctor continuously and consistently lied to me," he told them. "But his lies cured me more than all the medicine they gave me." Why is this episode so different from the ones described above, where evasion of the truth made the sufferers feel worse? Have we really grasped what empathy really means? I will not comment further. What do YOU think? Azriel Winnett is the creator of Hodu.com - Your Communication Skills Portal. This popular free website helps you improve your communication and relationship skills in your business or professional life, in the family unit and on the social scene.
MORE RESOURCES:
Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Parasitic Relationship Something in my life is weighing heavily on my mind, and I don't talk to anyone about it. I married my husband when he was 21 and I was 20. Recharging Your Relationship Now you may ask why we would write an article about developing better relationships. The reason is because I believe that those who are in a relationship will be significantly and directly affected in all areas of their life by how that relationship is going, and how healthy that relationship is. Can Men And Women Be Friends? Or When Harry Met Sally Did He Really Just Want to Jump Her Bones? Men and women can't really be just friends, can they? Of course not. There's always that pesky sexual tension to contend with. How to Tell If Your Boyfriend or Husband Is Cheating On You The word infidelity brings with it fear to every woman I've ever had the opportunity to speak with. While many make the claim that their spouse would never cheat on them they realize that is false hope and that it could very well happen to them. Relationhip Advice: 10 Magic Words Just about every night at our house, we read a book called "Say The Magic Words Please" to our young son. The story has lots of magic words, such as "please," "thank you" and "excuse me. 7 Steps To Creating A Healthy Relationship Everything in life, in order to be a success, requires knowledge and education to some extent. We read, study and take courses on several subjects that we as human beings require in order to live the life we choose to live. Its Your Fault I Had An Affair! When you read it like that, out of context, you'd be hard pressed to believe that anyone would have the nerve to come up with it as a serious justification for infidelity. Yet film star Jude Law has, allegedly, used this astonishing piece of sleight of mouth to justify a recent fling with his children's nanny. Hold Em or Fold Em? Like a great game of poker, knowing when to "Hold Em" and when to "Fold Em" is a great phenomenon to some of us. Our lives and loves are much like a game of poker, you start out with a full pot and slowly over time the rewards either multiply or diminish. Whats in a Kiss Just think of being in front of a warm cracking with you partner in your hands, with a kiss and a cuddle. But have you ever thought about why people kiss? It could be a greeting or a sign of affection, but we all kiss. Ounce of Prevention "To love, honour and cherish", easy words to say during a fancy ceremony, but how many people actually think about what it is that they're saying? How many people commit to living those words? Complacency is one of the biggest enemies of any relationship, and it takes constant effort with both parties to avoid it and stay 'happily-ever-after'.Once an affair has occurred, it's far too easy to lay the blame on the guilty party, but in truth, it takes two to tango, or in this case, three. Simple Love Spells Here are some very simple rituals, some old, and some new that might help you achieve your romantic intentions.A bouquet of roses set in the southwestern corner of your bedroom is thought to attract love. The Key to Ending Pain With Others It has taken me 40 years to learn exactly how to free myself from pain with others. After reading the book The Dammapada I sat under a tree to contemplate, and meditate on the wisdom I was soaking in to the depths of my heart, mind and soul. Being Mindful of Your Mates Space SOMETIMES I'LL ask a couple I'm seeing in therapy to do the following exercise.1. Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen After Wife Gets MBA "Hesh, where is your business plan?" It was a question I expected from my banker, but not from my wife. She tried to sweeten it by adding, "honey?" It didn't help. What Men Want From Women Actually, it's pretty simple. Deep inside the heart of every man is a secret wish to be trusted. Relationship Advice: 7 Strategies for a Great Relationship 1. CommitmentTrue commitment means much more than simply committing to staying married. How to Turn Down Invitations Gracefully All of us occasionally receive social invitations that we don't want to accept.How do we handle turning down these invitations without hurting or insulting the person who invited us?If you are turning down an invitation, first be very clear in your own mind whether you are turning down the particular event, the person who issued the invitation, or both. The 7 Stages of a Romantic Relationship There are seven stages in a romantic relationship: avoidance, meeting, dating, breaking up, establishing exclusivity, commitment, and keeping the love you find. Each of these stages vary in length and intensity. Catch A Cheating Husband the Easy Affordable Way Many women mistakenly believe they need to hire a private investigator or buy expensive software or surveillance equipment to catch a cheating husband. Once you familiarize yourself with the signs of infidelity, all you really need are your own eyes and ears and your personal knowledge of your mate. Breaking Your Relationship Pattern, Part 1 When you were little, you looked up to your parents. You imitated their mannerisms, words, and actions as you learned about life by watching them.
|
| home | site map |
| © 2010 |
