| |
| |
|
Relationships Information |
|
|
|
How Can I Get My Partner To Change?
How much energy do you spend trying to get what you want from your partner? Think about it for a moment - how much of your thinking time is spent on what to say to your partner to get him or her to be the way you want him or her to be? Many of us spend a lot of time thinking about how to get what we want from our partner - how to get our partner to open up, be more caring, see us, love us, pay attention to us, spend time with us, have sex with us, and so on. We spend at lot of energy trying to get what we want from our partner because we believe that if only we do it right - behave right or say the right thing - we can have control over getting our partner to change. This illusion of having control over getting another to change keeps us stuck in behavior that not only does not work to get us what we want, but drains us of the energy we could be using to learn to take loving care of ourselves. It is very hard to accept that we can't "get" others to do what we want them to do, even if it would be good for them and for the relationship. In my counseling work with people, I frequently hear: "How can I get my husband to read your books?' "How can I get my wife to be more sexual?" "How can I get my husband away from the TV to spend time with me?" "How can I get my wife to be on time?" "How can I get my husband to talk with me about our problems?" "How can I get my wife to spend less money and write the checks into the checkbook?" "How can I get my husband to clean up after himself?" "How can I get my wife to stop being angry?" "How can I get my husband to stop blaming me for everything?" Everyone wants to know, "How to get my partner to change?" The truth is, you can't. What you can do is take your eyes off your partner and put them on yourself. You have total control to change yourself, and no control to change your partner. The question you need to be asking yourself is, "What do I need to do for my own well-being if my partner doesn't change?" "Do I need to stop reacting to my partner with compliance, resistance, withdrawal, blame, lectures, explanations, nagging or anger?" These protective, controlling ways of responding to conflict will always exacerbate the conflict and make us feel badly within. The wounded part of us believes we can get love and avoid pain with these protective behaviors, but in reality it is often these behaviors that are actually causing our own pain. None of these behaviors are loving to ourselves, nor are we taking personal responsibility for our own feelings and well-being when we behave in these controlling ways. "In what ways do I need to be more loving, caring, understanding and attentive to myself - to my own feelings?" Often we project onto our partner the inner unhappiness that results from not taking loving care of ourselves. Instead of trying to get our partner to me more loving, open and attentive, we need to focus on being open, loving, kind and attentive with ourselves and with our partner. "Do I need to take specific action, such as changing the way we handle money, or the way we deal with getting places on time? How can I take care of myself in these kinds of conflicts so that I don't feel like a victim?" Anytime we blame another for our unhappiness, we are being a victim. Moving out of being a victim means taking loving action for ourselves so we are no longer frustrated with the situation. "Do I need to be willing to explore with my partner the underlying reasons for a lack of intimacy or sexuality? Am I willing to be open to learning with my partner, or am I stuck in just trying to control? Opening to learning with your partner can be magical regarding creating intimacy and resolving conflict. While you cannot make your partner be open to learning, if you open to learning yourself, you might discover the power you have to change your relationship. When you move out of seeing yourself as a victim of your partner's behavior and into taking loving action on your own behalf, you may be surprised at the changes that occur in the relationship. Most conflict is stuck in power struggles that result from each person trying to control with some form blame, anger, resistance, withdrawal, or compliance. When you stop your end of the power struggle and start to take care of yourself, as well as open to learning with your partner, the possibility opens for great change to occur. About The Author Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
MORE RESOURCES:
Jamie Kennedy Talks Relationships, Valentine's Day Plans and Playing 'Cupid ... - Hollywood Reporter
Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
The Five Minute Relationship Miracle "They may forget what you said,but they will never forget how you made them feel."Carl W. Are You Chasing Dollars or Your Kids? Striking a perfect balance between work and home todaycan be difficult task for most of us. However, do you everwonder if your spending too much time chasing money andnot enough with your children?Everything in moderation right? Haven't we been told thiscountless times and yet still we tend to find ourselvesconstantly plunging into excess. Second Time Around the Block Divorce happens. I'm not going to debate the causes or the moral and ethical implications of that here. Proper Flower Etiquette Flowers are great gifts for practically any occasion, but there are some basic rules of flower etiquette. With the popularity of ordering flower delivery online, some buyers may not get the sound advice they'd get from a local florist. What Is A Boundary In A Relationship? You might ask yourself, I have heard this word boundary, but I do not know what it means. Boundaries are often mentioned in terms of relationships. Great Relationships - 3 Things to Avoid, 3 Things to Do "Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity. Yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage. Easy Ways to Turn Any Evening Romantic If you don't have the time, money or energy to plan and execute the perfect date, you're not alone. The good news is you can set up a romantic evening in just a few minutes and without any cost. Girl Talk - Boy Talk Chas and Dave wrote a song about it and how right they were. Women just love to rabbit! Whether you calling it chatting, nattering, gassing or just plain talking, we're way ahead of the opposition in the vocal stakes. Are You Relationship Ready? So, you want to fall in love? You are certainly old enough and movingwell along your chosen career path. Many of your friends are either married or in committed relationships. Are You Ready to Handle an Indigo Child? So what's new in the world of spirituality and the new age these days? What's the new talk we keep hearing all about? The talk about the indigo Children is gearing more and more. There are now so many workshops, lectures, books and websites dedicated to discussing this subject. Your Beloved Soldier Is Coming Home - Now What? Your Beloved Soldier Is Coming Home - Now What?Laura anxiously anticipates the return of her husband Dan. What will it be like and what should she do? After all, he is not returning from a successful business trip or golf weekend. Trust Starts with You "I have a hard time trusting people.""I never feel like I can trust my husband (or wife). Discerning The Loving Heart How often have you had the experience of connecting with someone - a friend or a potential partner - who turns out to be an uncaring person? At first you think this is a really good person, and then down the line you discover that the person is self-centered, narcissistic, angry and uncaring. You wonder how you could be so wrong, and what can you do differently next time?I have discovered in my 35 years of counseling that people seem to decide very early in their lives whether or not they want to care about and have compassion for others' feelings. Relationship Advice: Starter Marriages A man walking through the woods near a river hears desperate screams for help. He runs to the river to see someone struggling as the river pulls him downstream. How do We Change our Self Esteem Perception? Many of us have heard about the power of positive thinking to effect a change. The idea is not new, it stems from modern psychology as well as from ancient spiritual teachings. Communication Tips for Heart Healthy Relationships It doesn't matter how old we are, matters of the heart go on forever. It is well known that a healthy diet, exercise, and attitude are powerful determinants of a healthy heart. A Little Help Finding Love A little help finding love online.Visit the dating sites. 46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair Some of these signs of a cheating spouse are "tongue in cheek" while others are tell tale signs that commonly appear with a cheating husband or cheating wife. There is no copyright. Diamond Solitaire Rings - The Ultimate In Engagement Rings There are no better rings to seal your engagement than diamond solitaire rings. The ultimate in diamond rings, diamond solitaire rings are the only ring for the woman who wants the best in wedding jewelry. What is Abuse? Violence in the family often follows other forms of more subtle and long-term abuse: verbal, emotional, psychological sexual, or financial.It is closely correlated with alcoholism, drug consumption, intimate-partner homicide, teen pregnancy, infant and child mortality, spontaneous abortion, reckless behaviours, suicide, and the onset of mental health disorders.
|
| home | site map |
| © 2010 |
