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Communicate What You Feel: How to be Understood By Those You Love
Good communication is of fundamental importance in intimaterelationships. The ability to accurately differentiate betweenthe internal experiences of feeling, thought and sensation isbasic to this process. The astonishing diversity of the English language allows manyopportunities for misunderstanding. One example of this lack ofprecision is how the word "feel" can be used to express a numberof quite different internal experiences. It can refer to emotion -- "I feel upset about what justhappened." It is often used colloquially to refer to a thoughtor belief: "I feel that the world would be a better place if..."It can also be used to refer to physical touch or bodilysensation: "I feel feverish." "This tabletop feels smooth." Since "feelings" are central in intimate relationships, it isvital that we have a workable approach to speaking plainly, if we are to be understood by those who are important to us. Fritz Perls, the founder of Gestalt Therapy, based his approachto clear and accurate communication on precise reporting ofin-the-moment awareness. He believed that sharing one'spresent-tense awareness was the quickest route to self-knowledgeand true intimate communication. He stated that all internal experience could be categorized asarising from sensation, emotion, or thought. Clear communication requires that the person speaking about his experience accurately denote which category of information is being transmitted. A way to practice these distinctions is to make statementsbeginning with variations of one of three phrases: "I see..."; "I feel..."; or "I imagine...". Perls called this exercise the Awareness Continuum. "I see..." refers to information taken in by the senses -- sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell. "I feel..." communicates internal states of emotion -- anger, hurt, sadness, joy. "I imagine..." describes mental acts -- thinking, believing, or imagining. The person practicing the Awareness Continuum simply speaks aloud (or writes) his or her awareness of the moment-by-moment internal experiences that come to the forefront of conscious attention. As an example of the Awareness Continuum, here is my currentinternal experience as I am writing these words: I see the computer monitor on which these words are appearing; I feel the computer keys under my fingertips; I hear the clicking sound as I type. (Sensory Awareness) I'm enjoying the process of describing the awareness continuum; I'm happy it's Friday afternoon; I'm worried that my son's birthday card won't reach him in time for his birthday. (Emotional Awareness) I'm thinking about what to write next; I'm thinking that this writing needs to be particularly clear and understandable. (Awareness of Thoughts) Although this exercise is artificial -- we don't usually speakthis way to our loved ones! -- it is a useful way to practicethe skill of speaking about our internal experience withprecision. In an intimate relationship accurate communication about emotions is of the utmost importance. We often make guesses about what our partner's mood or emotional state is -- based on observing minute non-verbal cues like a raised eyebrow, a certain look, a gesture or their tone of voice. When these guesses are inaccurate (as they often are), elaboratechains of misunderstanding may develop as our incorrectinferences lead to responses which only amplify the confusion. One way to sidestep this potential dilemma: when in doubt as towhat your partner's mood or feeling is -- ask! And hopefully,they will share what's going on with them so that it isunderstandable and clear. Experiment with the Awareness Continuum -- use it as a templateto become more precise in your communication about your internalexperience. I think you will reap the benefits of having fewermisunderstandings and more clear communication in your primaryrelationships! David Yarian, Ph.D. is the creator of The Guide to Self-HelpBooks, http://www.Books4SelfHelp.com and co-author of Self-HelpCentral, an ezine to help you build a better life with self-helpresources. He is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and CertifiedSex Therapist in private practice in Nashville, TN. His professional website is http://www.DavidYarian.com.
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