Extended Family Relationships: Staying Friends with Former Lovers and Spouses

Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life by Kevin B. Burk

It's natural to want to maintain a relationship with our former romantic partners (assuming that the relationship ended on reasonably good terms, of course). We shared a special bond with them, and they touched our lives and contributed to our sense of self in ways that we cannot even begin to describe. Just because the romantic and/or sexual aspects of the relationship have ended, why shouldn't we include our former partners in our lives in other roles? If we have mutual friends, or shared custody of children, we will be spending time with our former partners whether we want to or not. Since we had a positive connection with them on so many levels, it should be easy to simply become friends, right? Not necessarily.

In many ways, we demand more of our friends than we do of our romantic partners. Once we've made a commitment to our romantic partner, we have certain obligations and duties. We're expected to support our partners in both pleasant and unpleasant circumstances. Our friends have no such obligations to us. On the other hand, our friends do have to earn the right to be in our lives by supporting us voluntarily. Interested though our former partners may be in staying friends, they may not live up to our standards.

Letting go of our old habits and expectations about our former partners takes time. We need distance and perspective so that we can evaluate what kind of relationship we actually have with them.

I have a client, who we'll call Alice. Alice has been married three times. Her second husband, Jim, had two sons, whom she raised, and remained close to even after she ended the relationship with their father. Her third husband, Mike, also had a relationship with her stepsons. In many ways Mike became a surrogate father to them. Alice is still very friendly with Mike and his new wife, and socializes with them whenever they're in town.

Alice recently lost both her mother and a very close friend, both of whom Mike knew well. Alice was somewhat disgruntled that Mike did not make any offers of support to help her through her grieving process. She was also disappointed that Mike did not make any contact with her stepsons when their biological mother passed away. Alice knew that even a phone call from him would have meant so much to them, and yet he didn't even manage that.

I helped Alice to untangle this group of extended family relationships bit by bit. The first thing we addressed was the fact that even though Mike had been a positive role model for her stepsons, he does not have an actual family connection to them. Alice was their stepmother; Mike was only their stepmother's husband. As their former stepmother, Alice's continued relationship with her stepsons is reasonable. While married to Mike, it was appropriate for her to foster a connection between him and her stepsons. However the entire basis of that connection is their shared relationship to her. Both of her stepsons are adults now, and both are married. It's a safe bet that they know how to pick up the phone and initiate contact with Mike if they want to maintain a relationship with him on their own.

Next, we looked at Alice's relationship with Mike. Had her mother and friend passed away while she was still married to Mike, she would have been entitled to expect him to provide emotional support to help her through the grieving process. However, now that she's no longer married to him (and he's married to someone else), she's not entitled to expect emotional support from him. Alice needed to adjust her checklists and her expectations in the relationship. She realized that she could no longer relate to Mike as a romantic partner, or even as someone with whom she shares a committed relationship.

Ultimately, she recognized that while she can still maintain a cordial relationship with Mike, he doesn't meet the criteria she sets for her friends. If he were truly a friend, he would have offered some support to her when she needed it. Since she can't expect him to be there to support her, she needs to adjust her expectations of the relationship. He's not someone on whom she can count for emotional support, and that's perfectly acceptable. Their relationship has evolved. They're still peripherally involved in each other's lives; the nature of the relationship is more of a pleasant friendship (Alice described it as "neighborly"). Once she adjusted her checklists, she was able to let go of the anger she was feeling towards him.

Kevin B. Burk is the author of The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life.

Visit http://www.everyrelationship.com for a FREE report on creating AMAZING Relationships.

Reflections: Relationships are gifts in life GoErie.com Life is relationship! It is impossible to be alive and not be in relationship. You are in relationship with everything around you. At this very moment, you are in relationship with the world around you through the breath you take, through the sights ...

Relationships, communication theme of Friday's Warner Robins council retreat Macon Telegraph (blog) After ending at 7 pm Friday, the retreat will continue Saturday from 8 am to 3:30 pm OV Brantley, a former attorney for Fulton County governmental bodies, told council members their internal relationships are important to strong operations and images. and more »

CBC.ca

Depression Linked To Adolescent Bullying Medical News Today "Often the assumption is that problematic peer relationships drive depression. We found that depression symptoms predicted negative peer relationships. We examined the issue from both directions but found no evidence to suggest that peer relationships ... Depressed Adolescents More Likely to be BulliedPsychCentral.com Depressed adolescents likelier to be bulliedTimes of India Depressed adolescents more likely to be targets of bullying: StudyHealthJockey.com U.S. News & World Report -Expatriate Healthcare all 46 news articles »

Cara Dorris '15: The fiction of relationship? The Brown Daily Herald Most people will tell you that there are two types of relationships at Brown: rigid, Facebook-official romances and hurried, efficient and occasionally chronic hookups. Though there are exceptions, most of us brag that we're too busy, even too selfish ... and more »

PsychCentral.com

Optimal conversation lowers stress in relationships Times of India Young couples who easily engage in rewarding conversations with their partners, experience less relationship stress and higher satisfaction, say researchers. According to research from Kansas State University, young adults who have optimal conversation ... Going With the Flow of Talk Brings Couples CloserPsychCentral.com all 12 news articles »

Healthy relationship examples crucial for youth, experts say Maxwell Gunter Dispatch In the race to stop domestic violence, educating children before they date can provide the awareness for healthy relationships when they become adults. In the crucial years before youth start dating, parents and peers impact children's perceptions of ... and more »

Relationships Art Exhibit at the SCAHC Gallery in Sussex NorthJersey.com (press release) In the Relationships Art Exhibit, the Sussex County Arts and Heritage Council is asking artists to explore, well, relationships—any relationship. And what seems to be a traditional subject for art can prove to have numerous possibilities when viewed ... and more »

Jamie Kennedy Talks Relationships, Valentine's Day Plans and Playing 'Cupid ... Hollywood Reporter As for his research of the role, the actor joked, "I went to Zales," before admitting, "I think I've been in enough relationships that that was my research." Not that he claims to know what he's doing. "Being in all of my relationships, I'm even more ... and more »

HipHopDX

The Dead End Theory: 15 Rapper Relationships That Ended In Break-Up HipHopDX by DX Staff From Eminem and Mariah Carey's bittersweet triste to Darlene's immortal gangsterism, and the Kelis and Nas shakedown, HipHopDX looks back at some high-profile Rap relationships. While Love and Hip Hop is currently a hit reality show, ... and more »

At NRC Hearing, Signs Of Improving Relationships Fox Business However, it offered several hints that personal relationships on the five-member commission may be improving less than two months after they boiled over at a pair of congressional hearings. The tensions have raised questions about the nuclear safety ... and more »